to cook the roast I had in the fridge defrosting. It was about to go
bad. Didn't have any onions and I thought "I can cook it without onions"
but in my mind I was going "NoOnionsNoOnionsNoOnionsNoOnions..." you know, like normal non crazy people obsessively obsess over. Yeah, I have onions now. Namaste, dear Crock Pot.
Just went to 7-11 to get eggs and there was a lady standing outside the store. She didn't say anything to me when I walked in but when I came out she very excitedly asked "Can You Take Me To My House??!! Somebody Broke Into My House!! It's Just Right Over Here!!"
Well.. ok lady but answer me this:
Why are you standing outside a 7-11 if someone broke into your house? Did you run away? If so, why do you want to go back? If I know there are boogelers in my house I ain't going anywhere near it. I am hauling my fat hiney somewheres else and eating my weight in balogna sandwiches till I stop being scared.
Why aren't you walking towards your house if it's just "right over here?" Did you say to yourself "OH DEAR GOD THERE"S A BURGLAR IN MY HOUSE I NEED A SLURPEE!!!!"
No, probably not.
No.. the most logical answer is going to be that you are a "lot lizard" or in other terms..
A hooker. A lady of the evening. A prostitute.
You wait in parking lots and then ask for a ride from unsuspecting gentlemen and large women that wear plaid. When you get inside the car you offer forth the terms of an agreement that concludes with them handing over their money or being killed by your "manager" or you yelling out the window that you are being molested.
I'm sorry maam. I can't do that.
I can't give you a ride.
Well It has been such a long time since I updated this blog. I had an excuse. Seems I had a heart valve that loved me so much it wanted to surprise me... with leaving.
Now.. Lord knows I haven't eaten as I should over the years and I thought "Well, I guess it serves me right". Come to find out my arteries were so clean you could let a toddler suck apple juice through them. THIS little gift was a complication of Measles. yes, my heart has been damaged since I was 7 years old. The leaky heart valve has been waiting and biding its time, crouched down behind the couch for 40+ years just so it could turn the lights on and yell "SURPRISE!!!" That's some patience right there!
I can see it... crouched down for all those years, waiting and plotting, suppressing an occasional giggle and biding it's time until it could reveal itself.
Well dearest heart valve..IT WASN'T FUNNY.. but danged if I wasn't surprised.
I've been feeling kinda bad the past few years. I could launch into a HUGE soliloquy of what was going on but I'll spare you, my dear reader.
Seems I have SEVERELY underestimated what carbohydrates were doing to my blood sugars. I don't know why I didn't make the connection.. well, I do too know. My brain was starving from my blood turning to sludge because of consistently high blood sugar numbers. I am apparently very susceptible to the sugar from carbs.(Ok, who isn't) but I'm not talking about taste, I'm talking about the effect on my body. I've been CLUELESS about this.. clueless I tell you! Yes, I can hear what you're thinking "THAT AIN'T THE ONLY THING, BUDDY!" but, please indulge me and let me continue.
I have cut out most carbs from my diet and in TWO DAYS TIME. I have been able to cut my insulin needs by more than HALF!! (No, I'm not about to try and sell you a miracle product.. "And you get this Cutlery knife!!" just pay separate shipping..)
I've cut bread, pasta, potatoes and anything else that looks like a carb and thrown then right out the window. I almost threw my dad out the window (I was on a roll) but my brother caught me just in time.
I'm still in shock over this. I was taking TREMENDOUS AMOUNTS of insulin. BIG Amounts! Other diabetics would scream in horror when I told them how much I had to take. Doctors would Gasp! My next door neighbor took off her blouse and flashed me! ok, I think my neighbor has a lil sumpin else a goin rotten in her medulla oblongotcha, but thats a whoooole different story.
The fact is, I've been able to make a great turnaround in 48 hours! If my feet hadn't been amputated from the ankles down, I could have turned around MUCH faster! Just kidding, I still have both my feet..and several other pairs from God knows where.
Anyway, Thats about it, Now, I think I MIGHT live past 50. (Barring natural disaster, Acts of God and any future Paulie Shore movies.
Welcome to my lair. I hope to entertain you with my tales of woe and how sad my life has become. I hope you enjoy your time with me and you will come back again and again.. but not all in one day because then you would be a stalker.